All day, I’ve felt like my chest was being crushed and like I was choking on nothing. It’s a familiar sensation, but it’s one I’ve been lucky to dodge for some time now.
That’s the thing about the heart. It can mend. But that also means that it can break all over again.
I know that what is meant for me will not pass me, and that which is not meant for me will never be mine. I know that everything happens for a reason. I know that in every hardship, there is ease. I know that it doesn’t hurt to be reminded of these things, but I also know that it’s not always enough.
I’ve been feeling so guilty over the reasons for my heartache. I have spent this week questioning why I am a certain way (looks, personality, intelligence, etc.), and maybe if I were different, things would be different. Things might be better. Easier. Why couldn’t God have let me have those things?
I don’t know, there’s no way that I can. But I do believe that everything that feels like a hardship is, indeed, a test. I believe that with all my heart, but it is a heart that has been beaten and bruised by former relationships, as well as its own anxieties.
I don’t have a clever one-liner with which to leave this post. The entire thing is poorly written. I’ll try again tomorrow. But, for now, I just feel heartbroken.